Anxious Obedience

The Title Of This Post Is Pointless

You might be asking yourself if that's even a thing? Anxious Obedience?  I usually follow the peace. If I feel a sense of peace even amidst the chaos I move forward. I call it "weird peace". It's a type of peace that doesn't make sense when you look at your circumstances. I feel like the last two years have been a continuous exercise in following my peace even when circumstances do not look they way I think they should.
In the fall of 2017 I heard a song that spawned an idea that got me to produce my first show. If I hadn't moved past my fear and done it anyway I wouldn't have had one of my favorite life experiences to date. Working on a concert where I essentially had no idea what I was doing, co-directing actors of a caliber I had no experience with and working along side a history making music director was far beyond my scope of experience up until that point. But God gave this to me. He let me do it and we were successful.
After that experience, I was eager to have a similar one and as usual the ideas I had were endless. For every one idea I am able to create there are many others in line waiting to be fleshed out. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed that there are too many to complete in my lifetime given I still have a full-time day job that is not creative and loved ones that I have a responsibility to be there for. Being an absentee friend, auntie or sister isn't the type of legacy I want to leave in the world.

A New Idea

In the spring of 2018, a mere two months after Typecast was complete, I embarked on the odyssey of creating The Women's Cycle. At its beginning it was to be an immersive theatrical experience with three plays and meals that were reminiscent of the plays. The event was to take place in a house since our flagship show was Fefu and Her Friends. Fefu and Her Friends is a play with three acts that take place in Fefu's home over a weekend.
As I did research on spaces I found The Cell Theater which is a townhouse that is now a theater. There were restrictions to using that space that felt it wouldn't give us the freedom to use as much space as we would like for an immersive production. Eventually I found a lovely museum in Manhattan called Mount Vernon Museum and Garden that was owned and operated by the first all-female historical society. It is a beautiful old house with a wonderland of a garden. We loved it! Unfortunately we didn't get the rights to Fefu and then failed to get the rights to a second show that would have worked. In spite of that I had two women furiously writing two new plays which were going to run the alternate weekends from Fefu. On Martin Luther King Jr. Day I received an email from the theater company I was working with that they would have to pull out since the rights to both shows they wanted to produce had been denied. They didn't believe they'd be able to raise the money in time.
Instead of freaking out I had absolute peace. I prayed with friends I just so happened to have scheduled a call with and prayed alone and God made it clear to go back to the beginning.  I called The Cell Theater and they were still available for the dates we wanted. A suggestion from said friends got me to include an extremely talented painter I have been friends with for many years to exhibit her work at the theater. A month later, a friend in my small group suggested a baker who also became part of our team. So, in the end we had an art installation, two new plays written and directed by women and wine and desserts served by a female pastry chef and multiple lady wine purveyors across the country.

It's All Too Much

Now you're probably thinking, "This sounds great Ebony! Why were you anxious?" At the end of this event I felt like a skeleton with osteoporosis. Why?  Thankfully since my last blog post I've had time to think and pray about this. The journey of The Women's Cycle was a metaphor for my life. There was a moment the week before the show at church where I think God was trying to show me what He was doing. Every step of the way, every decision I made had peace behind it. Yes, there were times that I felt nervous because I was having to stand my ground and take ownership and leadership which isn't a space I am use to inhabiting. When someone would push back I had to be firm about my decision and if it all crashed and burned, it was on my head. I would have let everyone down and the disaster would've been of my doing. That is a heavy load to carry when you are fighting the Imposter Complex from years of being told, while not verbally but with actions, that there is no place for you. I had made the decision to make my own door since no one was willing to open the door for me. If I want to produce, I will produce. If I want to direct I will create spaces where I can direct. If I want to write, I will write. I stopped asking for permission or to be allowed into spaces where I would be "given" the opportunity to show what I can do. I am making those spaces now for myself and others.

What Is The Lesson?

So, what have I learned from this experience:
God did want me to go through it. Yes, it was a learning experience for the more that is to come. If I cannot stand up for myself and verbalize my vision and desires in spaces where people are for me, how will I do it in spaces where people are waiting for me to fail? The push back I would occasionally receive or the verbalizing of doubt in my perceived stubbornness was a test. Will I stand my ground and take my place? I had asked for prayer in this area many times and only just realized this was how God was strengthening that muscle. He was allowing people to question why I made a decision and not necessarily be happy with my answer because I had to be strong in my vision. I will have to continue to be strong whenever I create and people question why I make the choices I have made. I love to co-create and listen. I take suggestions because I am honest about how little I know. But if you do not have a clear vision of what you want, things fall apart. Scripture tells us, "Where there is no vision, the people perish." I sought God and asked Him at every turn, good or bad, if it was okay with Him. In my heart I had resolved to shut it down if it didn't feel right or if I began making things for the wrong reasons.
The final product wasn't what I had envisioned but it was what I wanted. It is one of the few times in my life I had a clear picture of the Lord giving me something I wanted even though it looked a bit different from the original picture. He had made my heart malleable enough to take that January blow and transform The Women's Cycle into something different, simpler and beautiful.  Listen, The Women's Cycle was pretty. The Girl Talk set was pretty, Michele's artwork was beautiful and the pastries were perfect. I had prayed that people would leave seen and they did. I prayed that people would leave knowing they aren't alone, and they did. I prayed people would leave with a knowledge of things they are not aware of or have chosen to turn a blind eye to. It was all exactly what I had prayed for even though it looked differently. And it was a sold out show all three nights. He didn't have to add that but He did. And so even with the struggle, anxiety and fear it was worth it to push through to learn what God needed me to. I can't always see the lesson as clearly as I have with this one, but I'm grateful. I look forward to seeing how He wants me to use what I've learned in the future and how He will continue to grow me. I hope you too look back on what He's taught you, stop repeating bad old habits and walk deeper into the person God had called you to be.

Onward 💛
Ebony