Monday, August 22, 2011

I close my eyes, drew back the curtain. . .

  So, CAST 2011 is officially over.  I had a dream last night about the team and I texted them all this morning.  I miss them.  It was a great summer!  God gave me something I had lost a few years ago.  He gave me a chance to be a part of something I had longed to be a part of and on a show that is so important for me.  The show, "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" is all about a man who dreams.  He dreams and those dreams take him to dark places in his life.  Places he didn't think he would be going, but places he needed to go in order to handle what God wanted to give him in the end.  Had Joseph not walked the difficult journey he did, he would not have had the humility, fortitude, attitude, strength, perseverance, heart and life experience to become second in command of an entire nation. 
So, this week I sat with God dealing with my own journey this past year.  It's crazy to think that a year ago at about this same time I was taking a major leap of faith.  I quit my job, left New York for Kansas City, MO and God brought me back to give me something I had lost three years earlier.  It has been a hard year, but a good one.  I've had to make some difficult choices along the way and my trust is being stretched to places I often am not sure it has the ability to go.  So, as I sit and ponder Joseph's story, I have asked God what are the lessons He wants to teach me from my journey so far.  Not just the journey I have taken throughout this past year, but my life.  I dream a lot, dreams are very important to me.  God speaks to me through them, when I do not want to look at a truth about myself He sometimes shows me that truth through them, and He gives me clear warnings through them.  If you really want to know how I am doing, ask me about my dreams.  That will give you a clear picture of my mental state.  Needless to say, I have been dreaming like crazy this week and seeing a lot of pictures.  I have had to evaluate them and ask the Lord what He is showing me about myself that I am failing to look at.  The subconscious will show you things at night that you busy yourself during the day so as not to think of.  Do not ignore it. I have a truckload of stuff to work out, but I have asked Him many times to help me.  He will, I just have to let Him, which is another thing I am working on.

So, on to this journey of life that I have been asking God about.  As I have asked him a lot of "Why?" questions this week that I still have yet to get the answers to I noticed something; he doesn't always answer.  Last fall we talked a bit about Daniel and all of the questions he asked God.  God answered many of them, but not all of them.  Had Daniel not asked these questions, there might have been a lot we would not have learned about the future God has in store for us.  I have come to believe that asking the questions is not a bad thing.  I will never stop asking, "Why?" and desiring an answer, that is just me.  But, I am trying to find a balance between asking the questions and being alright with not knowing the answer; because I believe that in asking the questions there are strengths to be gained during my journey from doing so.  I am not there yet. I will keep asking hoping to get an answer, but praying for God to give me the grace to deal if He decides not to answer me. 
It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings. - Proverbs 25:2

Another thing I realized only today is that God is still my friend.  To be honest, I have sometimes felt as though he forgot about me and I was the orphaned child.  Like I would be in the corner crying and He would say, "Oh right, you!  Oh I forgot about you kid, sorry.  I have got to remember to fix her situation." 
I have been angry with Him for a long time.  That's where all of the, "Why" questions are coming from.  I would have stopped talking to me by now.  But, He just keeps on choosing to tell me things like a close friend would.  I said to him, "Why do you still want to talk to me?  I am still upset with you."  He said, "Because you are my best friend."  So, I'm trying not to be so angry today. 
 John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.