Saturday, July 12, 2014

No Sex in the City: Part 2

  So, I said I would explain why I've been thinking about relationships and my part in my lack of them.  I'm about to expose myself in a terrifying way, so be nice.  I might cry while I write or delete this post after I publish it.
The summer of 2012 I started having these dreams.  I put a lot of stock in dreams and it has proven to do well for me in life.  Honestly.  I learn a lot about myself, what the future holds for myself and others as well as get warnings about life events.  None of these recent dreams has been bad, they've just brought up a few things.  Very large things. The last dream wasn't good, it was me repeating an old pattern and I woke up furious.  I was furious because I wanted things to turn out well for me for once.  The other dreams were in my favor but this one wasn't.  I was again the mousy one who sat and watched what she wanted go to someone else.  I've become very tired of watching this scenario play out in my life and I don't know how to stop the cycle.
I've talked about the "Burnt Toast Theory" before and I am Public Enemy #1 when it comes to that.  I think my Mother is the same way and I learned from watching her.  My Mother will literally give of herself until she is within an inch of her life.  We've even had family interventions to get her to stop.
It's not only that but it is this misunderstanding of who I am.  I know that I don't own my own identity.  So, when my true identity is spoken over me, my spirit receives it and is awakened.  It comes alive and connects with the truth on such a deep level that I'm tied to it but because I may not have known that "word" was part of who I am meant to be, I don't understand why those things sit with me for so long.
When I was younger and living at home we battled a lot of things in our home.  I was so busy battling and warring and being a grown-up in my childhood there was no time to worry about any identity outside of being a "Warrior".  When you are trying to be the boss and find some way to still enjoy a small piece of your childhood and these are not things you understand you should know, you don't try to find them out.  The men in my life where a disaster.  It wasn't a pretty sight and every guy I liked, didn't know I had space on the planet.  So, I was constantly fighting for my piece of life and worked hard to get it.  I think I was always fighting to be noticed without begging anyone to notice me. I just worked my ass off and did the best work I could do giving all I had hoping someone would notice.
All I've ever been able to see of myself is "Warrior", "Fighter" and "Hardworker".  These are the identity traits I know I have and can easily see and embrace.
So, when a friend in Highschool called out something completely different in me, a prophetic identity I was never aware of,  my spirit connected with it. The problem is that I've never been able to separate him from the identity.  I think it's because he owned it.  He called me "his" and no one had ever done that before.  Obviously it is also because he was male.  I didn't understand that what he had done was call out my prophetic identity until ten years later. Since then it's been called out multiple times.  I think that the other issue is that I must have a need to be with someone who sees me.  Right now I feel abandoned by God and have felt forgotten by him for many years.  I think everyone feels the need to be seen and known and this person did that, he saw something he didn't know was being highlighted to him by the Holy Spirit and called it out every day.  And whenever I've seen him since then, he still calls it out and whatever else he sees.  It's hard to not respond to that type of reception but, I feel pathetic.  I'm too old for this crap, I've got to move on.  It's not that I've never felt anything for another man since, I have, but I always go back to this one. I measure all others up to this one.  I'm aggravated with myself and trying hard to figure out how to fix it.  I go through bouts where I think I'm fine; and then I had another dream in the summer of 2013. Three others followed up until the last one in May of 2014 and I don't know what any of this means; because I had all of these dreams without having thought of him for years.
I know that he's just not that into me. I don't need the book or to be told that God really does love me and this will all go away if I will trust him and heal my relationship with God.  I felt this way before God and I were in our current problems so I'm not sure that's the crux of the issue.  It's only part of it.
It's been a lot of years to stand outside with a boom-box playing "In Your Eyes".  Even with the breaks I've taken my arms are still tired.
So, that is my tale of woe.  I feel sick admitting this but maybe getting it out is the first step towards getting over it.  I'm trying to work it out, to move on from it and separate the truth spoken from the man who spoke it.  I think that once I figure that out, a whole world of revelation will open up to me.

No Sex in the City: Part 1

  In a city of 8 million-plus, people (who don't live in New York City) think it should be easy to find someone.  I get whistled at, hollered at, you know, the usual bull from men old enough to be my Father.  Or from men who don't actually mean anything by it, they're just bored.  Or men who just want to get in and out of your pants, both being fast and without substance.
Every time I go visit my family in North Carolina and arrive man-less my Aunt says to me, "Don't they have any men up there in New York?!  I love my Aunt but this question annoys the crap out of me.  Not only for obvious reasons but because our family is epically bad at relationships.  So, I've never understood why she has always been so eager for me to get into one.  My late Father would always say to me, "Don't listen to them Babe.  Misery loves company." My Father was a smart man.  Because the truth of this statement gets more obvious with each passing year.
But it gets to me.  I was talking to my Blogger friend Sarah, who's blog is hilarious, about her latest dating adventures and my lack thereof.  Honestly, the whole thing started when I asked her, "Why does Senior People Dating keep sending me emails?" You see, they started sending me emails on my birthday this year.  You guys, I'm young.  Like way way too young for that website. I have to tell you that getting emails from a site my Mother should be on didn't boost my confidence either.
Especially since lately I've been feeling a shift in my heart, spirit, or whatever.  I've never been one to ask God about when I'm getting married or where my husband is, until lately.  There will be more on why in Part 2, but I've been thinking about it lately.  What is my role in the man repellent I am clearly spraying on myself everyday?
  I think that it all comes down to expectations and the personal issues and misconceptions we each have about ourselves and others.  Women want to be understood in a way only God can know you.  Like, we want our men to get us in this way so deep they can read our minds.  Well, they freaking can't read our minds!  And honestly, if they could, we wouldn't actually want them in there all the time because it gets kind of crazy in there.  
But then on the flip-side so many men want this Gisele Bundchen looking, Victoria's Secret wearing, french maid, who is brilliant and speaks 20 languages.  She must come with zero issues and never have had any baggage but must be deep in this way that only actually comes from a person who has been through the rough stuff of life.
I think it is these expectations that leads us to suffer bloodshed, tears and soul-crushing heartbreak. Sarah's blog about her online dating adventures had a post about a man whose profile was so bad, I was rendered speechless.  Until I wasn't.
I'm Not a Fat Girl But....
I'm processing all of this and wondering what happened?  I look back and I don't know that we have ever had a healthy understanding of what true-love, life-long companionship and partnership are.  Yes, Jesus gives us tools but honestly I sometimes wish God had allowed him to get married.  We really need that picture laid out for us explicitly.  Not just in a allegorical way or Him leaving it up to us to interpret the scriptures and try to piece it all together between, Revelation, Galatians and Philippians.
I don't have any answers right now.  I'm not asking for Bible verses on the subject, I know those.  This is me, doing my processing through my writing.  I may not figure it out even on a small level and that'll be whatever it's going to be.  But I'm just hoping that by the end I'm a little less afraid of what could one day be ahead and that I can walk into the unknown okay with not knowing as much as I think I should know.  Everyday is a day to learn, everything is a learning process.  You don't heal in one day and you don't know a third of the answers by the end of your life.  But, "when you know better, you do better" - Maya Angelou