You Lead, I will Follow: Fearless Obedience
Monday, October 3, 2011
What, What, What are you doing?
Last fall the question that entitles this blog entry was very much at the forefront of my mind. Once again I find myself in a similar place. I started out this journey last year seeing a very different end than the one I currently have. Don't get me wrong, I knew I would end up back at IHOP at some point. I didn't know when and everything else is different from what I would have wanted or expected. I am back in Kansas City, Missouri at the International House of Prayer until the Lord releases me.
As you may know by now, the updates for this blog will be sporadic in nature as I will not have as much time as I have had over the past year. Please continue to pray for me. I am greatly in need of it. I need the Lord to provide for those things He has asked me to do, as well as give me the trust in Him to do it. My trust has been sorely lacking over the past three years. I say that and then I think of how I came out here to Missouri with only a job, no place to live and no idea as to exactly why or what I am supposed to do. So, I figure I must have more trust than I think I do or there is no way I would have done this.
I am praying and hoping something beautiful comes out of this time. I need a major overhaul and I would like my life to be in a place where things are beginning to make some sense. The last time I felt that I was in my early twenties. I felt my future was bright and that the Lord was already opening amazing doors for me. But lately I've felt abandoned and as though so much time and youth has been wasted. One of my friends was praying for me this past summer and this is part of the vision she saw:
"You looked at a mirror and looked intently at your face,then you looked at another mirror and saw you, but saw something completely different, and each mirror held a different reflection. You were angry at first because one mirror didn't reflect all of who you were, but eventually you laid on your back on the floor and the mirror on the ceiling was a whole picture of you and you were satisfied."
In short, that vision summed up how I have felt over the past 7 years. I am hoping that the woman who laid on the floor and saw the full picture of herself in satisfaction will one day exist. I've yet to meet her. Maybe the satisfaction will come from being content in where I am and truly understanding how God sees me. I also think that part of it is being in a place where I feel like I fit and that someone sees there is more to me and that I have gifts beyond what people have seen so far. A place where the Lord can birth things He has been wanting to do for years. I've never been in an environment like that before.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Love to you all!
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