Sunday, July 26, 2015

"Wait For It, Wait For It"

I feel like I've been waiting for a lot of things for many years. My favorite playwright once said, there's no clear answer about whether you have to "wait for it" or go like you're "running out of time".  I feel like I have always had some sort of ticking clock on my back following me around and I've done all that I know to do. I have said Yes to every opportunity that fell within my core values and that I had peace about. And yet I still struggle with the opportunities that never came and all the doors that closed in my face. Not to mention the opportunities I took that felt right and I look back on without a clue as to what the lesson was to learn from it.  All I know is that they are points in my life I wish to not repeat and there in lies the reason I still want the "Why?" answered. Moments in one's life that don't make sense, I can wait for God's answer on the other side if I have to, but years are another story. Life here is not long. It is a vapor and if I can learn my lesson the first time, I want that.
The writer goes on to say that "in reality you will always be waiting and rushing at the same time." I think that my life has been a series of hurry up and wait moments. Having things inside of me to do but not understanding the context in which to do them or how to go about making it happen. Putting myself out there for the opportunity just to find out it's not going to happen and I have to, wait for it, wait for it.
 It has also been filled with too many voices.  "The Committee" as someone I knew called them, are a mean bunch who love to discourage you from doing anything that will be purposeful. I am constantly on trial in my head and their decisions are usually not in my best interest.
This all came to a head a few months ago after I saw, "The Iceman Cometh". Essentially the play is about a group of men who are not being authentic and facing up to the truths about their lives and the paths they on. One in particular is seeking to be told what to do with his life.
Thoughts since January had been plaguing me about there being more. The path I had been on was clearly not working. Doing what I have been all these years was not the answer and I needed to make a change. It was that nagging Holy Spirit voice, some of you will know what I mean. But how appropriate is it that seeing a play has set me on a course that has brought me hope again. That play was a major turning point for me and I have equal parts fear and excitement about going forward.
I was hesitant to write this post, but my late Mother once told me that I should share my struggles here. She felt like there had to be more people out there who have walked this road. I was hesitant because I am in the fetal stages with this and I've had well meaning people abort or almost abort dreams I have had. Do not be offended if I do not share details with you. It's just that I learned that this one is going to need to be protected. There is nothing in this world that wants you to reach your full potential. I believe God gives us each dreams and entrusts us to guard them and put them into action. The talent parable has so many meanings and he is trusting us to be bright enough to get them. "Our foes oppose us, we roll like Moses claiming our promised land."
So, I'm guarding this but want to use my journey to encourage. In my life I have learned you don't know how much time you have on the planet so I want everything I do to be towards reaching my potential and using my gifts. This includes the work I get paid to do and the work I don't. We are the only ones limiting ourselves.  You can volunteer and contribute to the world in ALL ways; because then you are acknowledging Him and what he's given you. So, I'm moving forward but excited to discover what He has guided me to at this crossroads. I know that He and my late parents have been anxiously awaiting this time. Maybe more than I have?

"Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it makes no mistakes. And if there's a reason I'm still alive when everyone else who loved me has died, I'm willing to wait for it" -quotes and lyrics by Lin-Manuel Miranda