No Sex in the City: Part 1

  In a city of 8 million-plus, people (who don't live in New York City) think it should be easy to find someone.  I get whistled at, hollered at, you know, the usual bull from men old enough to be my Father.  Or from men who don't actually mean anything by it, they're just bored.  Or men who just want to get in and out of your pants, both being fast and without substance.
Every time I go visit my family in North Carolina and arrive man-less my Aunt says to me, "Don't they have any men up there in New York?!  I love my Aunt but this question annoys the crap out of me.  Not only for obvious reasons but because our family is epically bad at relationships.  So, I've never understood why she has always been so eager for me to get into one.  My late Father would always say to me, "Don't listen to them Babe.  Misery loves company." My Father was a smart man.  Because the truth of this statement gets more obvious with each passing year.
But it gets to me.  I was talking to my Blogger friend Sarah, who's blog is hilarious, about her latest dating adventures and my lack thereof.  Honestly, the whole thing started when I asked her, "Why does Senior People Dating keep sending me emails?" You see, they started sending me emails on my birthday this year.  You guys, I'm young.  Like way way too young for that website. I have to tell you that getting emails from a site my Mother should be on didn't boost my confidence either.
Especially since lately I've been feeling a shift in my heart, spirit, or whatever.  I've never been one to ask God about when I'm getting married or where my husband is, until lately.  There will be more on why in Part 2, but I've been thinking about it lately.  What is my role in the man repellent I am clearly spraying on myself everyday?
  I think that it all comes down to expectations and the personal issues and misconceptions we each have about ourselves and others.  Women want to be understood in a way only God can know you.  Like, we want our men to get us in this way so deep they can read our minds.  Well, they freaking can't read our minds!  And honestly, if they could, we wouldn't actually want them in there all the time because it gets kind of crazy in there.  
But then on the flip-side so many men want this Gisele Bundchen looking, Victoria's Secret wearing, french maid, who is brilliant and speaks 20 languages.  She must come with zero issues and never have had any baggage but must be deep in this way that only actually comes from a person who has been through the rough stuff of life.
I think it is these expectations that leads us to suffer bloodshed, tears and soul-crushing heartbreak. Sarah's blog about her online dating adventures had a post about a man whose profile was so bad, I was rendered speechless.  Until I wasn't.
I'm Not a Fat Girl But....
I'm processing all of this and wondering what happened?  I look back and I don't know that we have ever had a healthy understanding of what true-love, life-long companionship and partnership are.  Yes, Jesus gives us tools but honestly I sometimes wish God had allowed him to get married.  We really need that picture laid out for us explicitly.  Not just in a allegorical way or Him leaving it up to us to interpret the scriptures and try to piece it all together between, Revelation, Galatians and Philippians.
I don't have any answers right now.  I'm not asking for Bible verses on the subject, I know those.  This is me, doing my processing through my writing.  I may not figure it out even on a small level and that'll be whatever it's going to be.  But I'm just hoping that by the end I'm a little less afraid of what could one day be ahead and that I can walk into the unknown okay with not knowing as much as I think I should know.  Everyday is a day to learn, everything is a learning process.  You don't heal in one day and you don't know a third of the answers by the end of your life.  But, "when you know better, you do better" - Maya Angelou   

Blaxploitation

Divided
by Ebony Vines
Why in two thousand and thirteen is my color still an issue?
Why does what I do or don't do still break you?
All I see is self worth going down the drain
We beat each other up and call it plain
But why is there no repentance for this pain?
This cycle keeps circling round each generation
We need to quit and bring about some healing and regeneration
Why don't u build my man up so he can conquer the world?
Why don't you build my girl up so she can rule this world?
We blame others for our shortcomings, but we're putting it on ourselves
I thought we were coming together to believe in ourselves
I can't get off the subway without my own people yelling at me.
We can't be friends without you judging me
We say God is the center but if he were wouldn't things be different?
We go to church and make great music, but is the music we make making us any different?
I break you, you break me and now were even?
What does this eye for and eye tooth for a tooth deepen?
It deepens our wounds and pains of rejection
Bringing about injustice and dejection
If God is love and we are His people, let's reflect Him
Don't pray then later open your mouth and deflect Him
This isn't a joke I wrote, it's a hole in my soul that needs repairing
I can't trust my people because after they speak I'm despairing
Let's stop beating each other up and come together
Let's bind together no matter the weather
A people divided can not stand
A people together take new land

Blaxploitation [ˌblæksplɔɪˈteɪʃən]n
A genre of American film of the 1970s featuring African-American actors in lead roles and often having antiestablishment plots, frequently criticized for stereotypical characterization and glorification of violence. [from bla(ck) + (e)xploitation]

I've been working at Pace University since November and Thursday night we had a special speaker, Spike Lee.  The topic was Social Justice in the Media.  This was in light of MLK Jr. Day and Black History Month.  Between that, the new movie coming out about MLK Jr's wife & Malcolm X's wife, "Betty & Correta", "Django Unchained" and "All My Baby Mamas" thankfully being cancelled before it started, I'm reeling.  If you don't know what Blaxploitation is listen to this podcast discussing some of the movies from that period http://www.filmspotting.net/marathons/938-blaxploitation.html

Why am I reeling?  Because last night Spike Lee informed us that only 47% of black men graduate high school.  Which means my brother is in the minority and one of his best friends and one of my second cousins are both in the "Elite" group for pursuing their Bachelor's Degrees right now. I'm reeling because "All My Baby Mamas" was about to be a show on TV.  Because "Django Unchained" uses the N-word almost 200 times and no one bats an eyelash.  Mr. Lee said,"I went to Harvey Weinstein and asked him,'If the slur for Jew were used that excessively would you have made the film?' Harvey said one word definitively,'No'.  So, why is it okay for the N-word to be used that often?  A slur is a slur.". I agree with that line of thinking but, we, meaning Black people, call each other the N-word.  I wish we had more respect for ourselves.  Realized that eventhough that was an identity put upon us, even by our own people, that it's not one that should be perpetuated.  We have the power to wipe this word of ignorance from ALL LIPS!  Spike Lee and Bill Cosby have been saying it for years..."It's about Education.". Many of my family members who have pursued education and have striven to encourage their children to be educated will attest to this standard.  The Bible reads, "My people perish for a lack of knowledge."  And we are, we are perishing.  More Black men go to jail then graduate college or high school. There is literally a Black Genocide happening where we are killing our own race off between abortion, gang violence, drugs, etc faster than we are creating Blacks.   If you don't know about Black Genocide, here is a link to a man I co-interviewed a few years ago on the issue.  http://www.blackgenocide.org/home.html

I'm reeling because I just learned this week, that there are still places, here, in my tri-state area, that still do not allow Blacks! I was so aggravated to know that in 2013 this is still happening!  If you're unaware of this issue here is a link to the podcast I listened to, where a very well educated black man goes into a country club to work for one week.  You'll want to listen to Act Two of the link below.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/173/three-kinds-of-deception

This not a black or white issue.  This is an issue for ALL of us.  If you know me, you know I don't play the "color card" and say it's the Whites, Hispanics or whomever who are bringing us down or taking our jobs, etc.  I'm tired of us continuously blaming someone else.  It's every one's fault.  There is not just one people group to blame.  On Thursday night a very intelligent young black woman asked Spike whose responsibility it is to change the music industry, this is in regards to music where women are sexualized and degraded.  She asked, "Is it the label, the artist or the consumer?"  Spike said that it's between the consumer and the artist.  We are buying this music where I'm called a "Ho" or "B***".  Yes me.  Because they are talking about your sister, mother and every other female you know.  And if you're buying it what are you doing?  You're sustaining the degredation.  I don't allow people to even elude to me possibly being one of those derogatory terms in person, so why would I allow it to be sung about?  We are all participating in this and this bigotry, the bigotry on every nationality, whether you are Black, Hispanic, White, Asian etc, needs to stop.  Why do people say, "Go back to your country!"?  Frankly, if you're saying that, chances are, your behind shouldn't be here either.  So, you should be getting on the same boat as the man or woman you just yelled at.  This country was founded for ALL PEOPLE, so get over yourself! 

This blog entry is going to anger some people. But this is the truth.  So, instead of just getting angry and blasting everyone and everything I want to know what is my part?  How can I change these stereotypes?  There is only one answer, to be me.  So, what does that look like?  Not carring that other black people say that I, "Talk white".  I speak well.  That's it.  I'm not trying to be white, just intelligent.  I need to keep the friends I love.  God has blessed me with wonderful Black, White, Indian, Asian and Hispanic friends and leaders.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  This is the way my Mother raised us.  To love God and others.  To learn from everyone's differences and embrace them, have them teach you things and open your mind.  And my hair, oh my hair.  My hair has been my own personal journey of self-hatred.  Straightening if for years and never feeling pretty enough or having "difficult" hair or "coarse" hair.  Yes, it's hard to comb, it's coarse, it's difficult, but it's what God gave me and I'm going to ROCK IT NOW!  So, if you don't like it, turn your head when you walk by me because I'M NOT STRAIGTENING IT FOR YOU!  And anyway, why does my conforming to the standard that my hair isn't good enough make you feel more comfortable? 
So, learning what I've learned makes me want to get my Masters Degree so I can be almost as smart as my Mother and continue this walk of Virginity until I'm married.  I refuse to be a statistic.  I refuse to add to our dilemma.  I refuse to perpetuate stupid.  If what I've written angers you, good.  At least you're thinking about it now.

Peace!

My Beautiful City

“Beautiful City” from Godspell in 2000 - written by Stephen Schwartz

 

Out of the ruins and rubble,

Out of the smoke,

Out of our night of struggle

Can we see a ray of hope?

One pale thin ray reaching for the day. . .

 

(Chorus)

We can build a beautiful city.

Yes, we can. Yes, we can

We can build a beautiful City.

Not a city of angels

But we can build a city of man

 

We may not reach the ending

But we can start slowly but surely mending.

Brick by brick,

Heart by heart.

Now, maybe now

We start learning how.

 

(Chorus)

 

When your trust is all but shattered.

When your faith is all but killed.

You can give up bitter and battered,

Or you can slowly start to build!

 

A Beautiful City.

Yes, we can.  Yes, we can

We can build a beautiful city,

Not a city of angels,

But finally a city of man!

 

   This wasn’t the blog entry I had planned to write.  I had planned to write all about what the Lord had been doing and how He’d led me back to New York.  I haven’t really told most of you that I’m even back yet.  So, I can only imagine your shock as you read this entry.  I’ve been back for almost four weeks.  Just in time to meet up with a hurricane named Sandy.  So, I feel like explaining how the Lord led me back here is pretty unimportant right now.  I just feel that the fact He led me back is significant.
By now you should have seen all of the pictures of destruction.  If you have not seen the significance of what’s happened to New York and New Jersey go online and look it up.  This should not be ignored or understated.  The amount of devastation is of Hurricane Katrina proportions.  We have had the worst disaster in New York’s entire history.  People ,you need to know what’s happened because I believe this is not only significant because we should know what is going on in our world and take action, but also because it is important to the Word of God and what He is saying to us as the people of God.  So, in short, look it up!
You might then say to me, “Well, you definitely didn’t pick a good time to go back to New York” or “Now, how do you feel about being in New York?  I bet you wish you weren’t there now!”  If you think that you’d be wrong.  You’d be wrong because I love this place.  I love these people.  And to be away at a time like this would bring me much heartache.  I would long to be here to help.  The Lord knows that about me and I know this is one of the major reasons He brought me back for, “Such a time as this”.  There is no coincidence that He has brought many of my friends and I back to our beloved New York.  I have felt for quite a while that the Lord has a great plan for the believers He is migrating back to New York, their home.  No matter if we were born here or not, we’ve adopted this place and the beautiful people here as our home and family.  It’s the place we feel that we fit the best.  It’s the only place I’ve ever lived where I didn’t have the desire to be anywhere else and have always been grateful to be while I’m here.  No matter what has gone on in my time here. 
I’m not going to post any pictures of destruction, devastation and carnage.  You can go anywhere online and find plenty of those.  I’m going to tell stories and show pictures of the good that has gone on since Hurricane Sandy.  I find that when I’m away from New York there is a general perception that all New Yorkers are rude, pushy, self-absorbed and kleptomaniacs.  To be honest, I have found those types of people everywhere and more in places people don’t “expect “ them to be.  What you may not know is that the loveliness of people here can be very overwhelming.  Since the hurricane I have met some of the most selfless beautiful people I have ever met.  I was able to volunteer with the Red Hook Initiative in Brooklyn, NY for a few days.  My last two days there I pretty much stayed at their headquarters as a Volunteer Coordinator and Front Door point person.  Red Hook is not a wealthy neighborhood and these people have been without power, heat or much food for almost 12days.  Their main subway line to get anywhere took the longest to be restored to them, and was not even flooded.  They came in asking for blankets, flashlights or batteries for elderly people stuck on the 12^th or 14^th floors of their buildings.  Hundreds of volunteers poured in to go into dark, cold, dangerous buildings to serve those unable to leave their apartments food.  We sorted through hundreds of bags of clothes and supplies to distribute to people in need.  People not affected by the storm gave generously to those who have lost EVERYTHING.


And the most amazing and disheartening thing for me was when we ran out of supplies and had to turn people away.  The amazing thing was that they didn’t yell or scream at me.  No one every cursed me out or got angry with me.  They thanked me for all the help we had given them and walked away peacefully, but downcast.  Watching someone who has lost so much and just needing a blanket to keep warm walk away defeated was heartbreaking.  This is not the mythic New York so many people have in their heads.  Yes, people are angry, dejected, and scared.  So, yes fights are happening between neighbors, looting, etc.  But neighbors are also watching out for each other and taking care of each other.
A lady I met one day while serving food emptied out her refrigerator because she knew all the food would go bad and cooked all of it, giving all she had away to the people in her building with nothing.  Another lady came in to get a ride for a woman and her sick newborn to a nearby shelter.  Churches in the East Village have set-up the largest relief effort in all of New York City’s five boroughs.  They got there before FEMA, Mayor Bloomberg, Governor Cuomo, The Salvation Army and the Red Cross.  By the time any of those organizations got there, the needs of the people were being met in such a way that they just told them to “carry on”.
So, just as the song says, “We can build a beautiful city, not a city of angels, but a city of man” God doesn’t always send angels.  Sometimes He calls us to step up to the plate, broken men, to be the angels to others. 

 I’m going to post links to the website for the Red Hook Initiative and Trinity Grace Church.  TGC Brooklyn (where I have been attending church) is doing some work with RHI and other relief efforts in Brooklyn including the East Village Trinity Grace Church which was one of the churches in that large relief effort.  You can donate money, if you would like to, on either one of the first two links below.  I am also going to post a link to the article about that East Village relief effort. 

My city is Beautiful, My God loves my city and I ask you to pray for us.  Pray that people would turn to God through this tragedy.  He has had mercy on my city, this could have been much worse.  But, He is definitely calling us higher and I am asking you to partner in prayer with us that His desire for us would be met.

 Love, Ebony

 

Red Hook Initiative - http://rhicenter.org/

 

Trinity Grace Church - http://trinitygracechurch.com/

 

East Village Article  - http://www.worldmag.com/2012/11/feeding_the_hungry

The Joys of Fasting (or How to gorge yourself until you meet Jesus)

I first started fasting in 2007, but not food, media.  See, I'm a T.V. addict.  There, I've said it.  The first step is in admitting you have a problem.  I'm such a terrible addict that when I was a child my mother didn't even have to spank me.  All she had to threaten me with no TGIF on ABC.  If you don't know what TGIF on ABC is, then you've missed it.  Lin Manuel Miranda said it best, "Gmorning Twitterico! Its Friday! If this were 1990 we'd be fiending for that new Perfect Strangers n Step by Step tonight!"  Remember "Step by Step", "Family Matters" and "Perfect Strangers", just to mention a few?  C'mon people, work with me.  If you don't know what I'm talking about after all of the television classicness I've just spewed on you, Google it friend, Google it.  Because frankly, you've missed out in life.  I'm already feeling bad for you. 

Moving on. . .

In 2010 I started fasting food.  It started out pretty badly.  I got diarrhea and was vomiting.  Don't worry, this isn't a common occurrence.  It was just poor planning on my part.  After I figured out what happened I began actually enjoying fasting.  I feel closer to the Lord during my fasts, even with all the ugliness that comes out in the process.  When you're hungry, you can be mean.  That meanness is your swarthy flesh rearing it's ugly head and getting in the way of the awesome encounter the Lord wants to have with you in your weakness.  Yes, it's hard.  Yes, it can honestly suck at times.  I've made two desserts almost every week for other people since my sweets fast started.   It's not easy to fast while everyone is raving about your yummy cheesecake, or chocolate cake or mousse dessert.  Your flesh wants to taste it, "to make sure it's okay" or  "to make sure the whipped cream is sweet enough".  But to be honest, what I'm fasting for is so much more important to me than having any of those desserts.  I am so desperate for the Lord to meet me right now.  I am desperate to hear His voice and to be free.  I am desperate for breakthrough in my life.  I know that He has great plans for me and I don't want my anger to continue to hold me back from the greatness that is right in front of me.  So, when you come at it from that perspective, a cheesecake seems like celery when compared to what you'll get from killing your flesh.  It's also never about self-control, but grace.  Because seriously, if it were up to me, I would have had a piece of each cheesecake, my sister's yummy cupcakes and a piece of the chocolate cake as well.  But, no, I had fruit.  That's got to be the Lord!  Bottom line, if you think your going to fast in  your own power, your wrong and I promise you'll fail frequently.  We are a greedy and selfish people.  We allow our Id to take over.  Freud knew what he was talking about some of the time. 
I don't know what to tell you.  It's not like I have some incredible revelation afterwards that changes my existence everytime I fast.  But I do feel closer to the one who gave up everything for me.  I figure, if he could die for me, why can't I give up pizza and cheesecake for him every once in a while.  Frankly, it's not a lot to ask.

Isaiah 58:4-6 (AMP)
⁴[The facts are that] you fast only for strife and debate and to smite with the fist of wickedness. Fasting as you do today will not cause your voice to be heard on high.

⁵ Is such a fast as yours what I have chosen, a day for a man to humble himself with sorrow in his soul? [Is true fasting merely mechanical?] Is it only to bow down his head like a bulrush and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him [to indicate a condition of heart that he does not have]? Will you call this a fast and an acceptable day to the Lord?

 ⁶ [Rather] is not this the fast that I have chosen: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every [enslaving] yoke?
 

Cooking is Elementary

Okay, so maybe the title for this posting isn't absolutely true.  Cooking is not "easy" for everyone and not everyone enjoys it, but here me out.  You'll like this, I promise. 
Now I'll warn you in advance, I'm not sure this posting is going to be super spiritual as were my previous postings.  That's not to say the Lord isn't doing much on this end.  On the contrary.  A LOT is being done.  It's possible spills may happen during the course of my writing this post and you might get a nugget or two, but let's just see what happens, shall we?
Before you ask, "Where in the world is she?"  I'm still at the International House of Prayer and working full-time as an addictions counselor.  Same place, don't worry.
I've been on hiatus from blogging since November.  About that time I had also gained back a large portion (all but five lbs) of the weight I had lost in 2010.  I was by no means happy about this situation.  I don't gain weight out of happiness as some people do.  I was angry and bored.  That is why I gained weight.  I quit caring and I had felt that weight loss was a mandate from the Lord.  Well, when your angry with someone, what they ask you to do no longer matters.  You're not too concerned with pleasing them.  So, like a little glutton, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted even when I "fasted" and quit working out.  Imagine my shock when my jeans quit too.
I have never been "overweight" necessarily.  It's just that I have felt a leading to be healthier.  To work out regularly and pay attention to what I put into my body and not just smash food into my cake hole or muffin hole in my case.  I also found the unfortunate corn nut snack during my binge.  Thankfully, I've quit that poor life decision. 
It's one thing to gain weight from joy and because you are indulging in marvelous food.  I wasn't, so that's what made my weight gain that much worse.  The muffins were good, but that was pretty much the extent of my "good eating". 
So, when I realized what I had gotten myself into, I vowed to change.  As I've been changing, I've been re-introduced to my adoration for cooking.  It's funny, I'm not one who necessarily "loves" to eat, but I LOVE to cook.  I will never forget my first "real" cooking adventure outside of Hamburger Helper.  My mother put raw chicken and spices in front of me and said, "Go to it".  I've been in love ever since.  Cooking is the only thing I enjoy close to as much as anything related to theater.  So, in December when I had started working on my weight I also decided to get back into cooking.  I made a meal for my current housemates and planned out the meal for weeks.  I was giddy watching the YouTube videos of Nigella Lawson, "Nige" as I like to call her, cooking all the wonderful dishes I had planned on making.  I could have cared less about actually eating the food.  The most enjoyable portion of the meal was watching my roommates faces as they ate the food and even getting one to like vegetables! I was so thankful to the Lord that it all came out well.  So, then I cooked again for Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day for which I learned to make Bangers & Mash and I've been on a baking binge for the past four to five weeks.  Pictures of those yummy endeavors are to follow.
As all of this has been happening, I'm back into my normal jeans and was down near my normal weight in time for my big birthday this year!  Praise God! 
Don't get me wrong.  It's still a struggle to keep the weight off.  I notice a mini-yo yo affect, but I'm not near where I was earlier.  And I'm also seeking inner healing at the same time.  God is doing a lot.  I'm cooking a lot and hopefully one day I'll get to enjoy my other passions a lot. 
My next big cooking adventure is next week.  I'm cooking for one of my dearest friends, my mentors and a woman I met a few months ago who is from the tribe of Judah!  The Lord is actually allowing me to cook for one of his direct descendant's!  I mean come on! No pressure, no pressure.  So now, I'm looking at Laura Calder to rescue me with her french.  She's got good plans; I think I'm safe.
Now, why do I think cooking is elementary?  I say that because for me it's a part of my healing.  It's getting me back to the basics of what the Lord has given me.  Getting to the simplicity of me and what I love and what simple things I can do to bring joy to myself and others.  Cooking has been a great way to take my eyes off of me and put them back on God and others.  When your eyes go back to where they should be, that's where the healing begins. 

So, bon appetit!

Hiatus

I just wanted to let all of you who read, follow and look to the blog to know what is going on with me to know that I will not be posting for a while.  I will not be shutting the blog completely down.  I just need to take a break for a while.  I will send out a notice when I am back to posting regularly.  Thank you for your prayers, love and concern.  Please know that you are a blessing and greatly appreciated.

Blessings,
Ebony

What, What, What are you doing?

Last fall the question that entitles this blog entry was very much at the forefront of my mind.  Once again I find myself in a similar place.  I started out this journey last year seeing a very different end than the one I currently have.  Don't get me wrong, I knew I would end up back at IHOP at some point.  I didn't know when and everything else is different from what I would have wanted or expected. I am back in Kansas City, Missouri at the International House of Prayer until the Lord releases me.

As you may know by now, the updates for this blog will be sporadic in nature as I will not have as much time as I have had over the past year.  Please continue to pray for me.  I am greatly in need of it.  I need the Lord to provide for those things He has asked me to do, as well as give me the trust in Him to do it.  My trust has been sorely lacking over the past three years.  I say that and then I think of how I came out here to Missouri with only a job, no place to live and no idea as to exactly why or what I am supposed to do.  So, I figure I must have more trust than I think I do or there is no way I would have done this.  

I am praying and hoping something beautiful comes out of this time.  I need a major overhaul and I would like my life to be in a place where things are beginning to make some sense.  The last time I felt that I was in my early twenties.  I felt my future was bright and that the Lord was already opening amazing doors for me.  But lately I've felt abandoned and as though so much time and youth has been wasted.  One of my friends was praying for me this past summer and this is part of the vision she saw:"You looked at a mirror and looked intently at your face,then you looked at another mirror and saw you, but saw something completely different, and each mirror held a different reflection.  You were angry at first because one mirror didn't reflect all of who you were, but eventually you laid on your back on the floor and the mirror on the ceiling was a whole picture of you and you were satisfied." 

In short, that vision summed up how I have felt over the past 7 years.  I am hoping that the woman who laid on the floor and saw the full picture of herself  in satisfaction will one day exist.  I've yet to meet her.  Maybe the satisfaction will come from being content in where I am and truly understanding how God sees me.  I also think that part of it is being in a place where I feel like I fit and that someone sees there is more to me and that I have gifts beyond what people have seen so far.  A place where the Lord can birth things He has been wanting to do for years.  I've never been in an environment like that before. 

Psalm 139:13-18

¹³For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.

 ¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you.

 

Love to you all!