Saturday, July 12, 2014

No Sex in the City: Part 2

  So, I said I would explain why I've been thinking about relationships and my part in my lack of them.  I'm about to expose myself in a terrifying way, so be nice.  I might cry while I write or delete this post after I publish it.
The summer of 2012 I started having these dreams.  I put a lot of stock in dreams and it has proven to do well for me in life.  Honestly.  I learn a lot about myself, what the future holds for myself and others as well as get warnings about life events.  None of these recent dreams has been bad, they've just brought up a few things.  Very large things. The last dream wasn't good, it was me repeating an old pattern and I woke up furious.  I was furious because I wanted things to turn out well for me for once.  The other dreams were in my favor but this one wasn't.  I was again the mousy one who sat and watched what she wanted go to someone else.  I've become very tired of watching this scenario play out in my life and I don't know how to stop the cycle.
I've talked about the "Burnt Toast Theory" before and I am Public Enemy #1 when it comes to that.  I think my Mother is the same way and I learned from watching her.  My Mother will literally give of herself until she is within an inch of her life.  We've even had family interventions to get her to stop.
It's not only that but it is this misunderstanding of who I am.  I know that I don't own my own identity.  So, when my true identity is spoken over me, my spirit receives it and is awakened.  It comes alive and connects with the truth on such a deep level that I'm tied to it but because I may not have known that "word" was part of who I am meant to be, I don't understand why those things sit with me for so long.
When I was younger and living at home we battled a lot of things in our home.  I was so busy battling and warring and being a grown-up in my childhood there was no time to worry about any identity outside of being a "Warrior".  When you are trying to be the boss and find some way to still enjoy a small piece of your childhood and these are not things you understand you should know, you don't try to find them out.  The men in my life where a disaster.  It wasn't a pretty sight and every guy I liked, didn't know I had space on the planet.  So, I was constantly fighting for my piece of life and worked hard to get it.  I think I was always fighting to be noticed without begging anyone to notice me. I just worked my ass off and did the best work I could do giving all I had hoping someone would notice.
All I've ever been able to see of myself is "Warrior", "Fighter" and "Hardworker".  These are the identity traits I know I have and can easily see and embrace.
So, when a friend in Highschool called out something completely different in me, a prophetic identity I was never aware of,  my spirit connected with it. The problem is that I've never been able to separate him from the identity.  I think it's because he owned it.  He called me "his" and no one had ever done that before.  Obviously it is also because he was male.  I didn't understand that what he had done was call out my prophetic identity until ten years later. Since then it's been called out multiple times.  I think that the other issue is that I must have a need to be with someone who sees me.  Right now I feel abandoned by God and have felt forgotten by him for many years.  I think everyone feels the need to be seen and known and this person did that, he saw something he didn't know was being highlighted to him by the Holy Spirit and called it out every day.  And whenever I've seen him since then, he still calls it out and whatever else he sees.  It's hard to not respond to that type of reception but, I feel pathetic.  I'm too old for this crap, I've got to move on.  It's not that I've never felt anything for another man since, I have, but I always go back to this one. I measure all others up to this one.  I'm aggravated with myself and trying hard to figure out how to fix it.  I go through bouts where I think I'm fine; and then I had another dream in the summer of 2013. Three others followed up until the last one in May of 2014 and I don't know what any of this means; because I had all of these dreams without having thought of him for years.
I know that he's just not that into me. I don't need the book or to be told that God really does love me and this will all go away if I will trust him and heal my relationship with God.  I felt this way before God and I were in our current problems so I'm not sure that's the crux of the issue.  It's only part of it.
It's been a lot of years to stand outside with a boom-box playing "In Your Eyes".  Even with the breaks I've taken my arms are still tired.
So, that is my tale of woe.  I feel sick admitting this but maybe getting it out is the first step towards getting over it.  I'm trying to work it out, to move on from it and separate the truth spoken from the man who spoke it.  I think that once I figure that out, a whole world of revelation will open up to me.

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